I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
