im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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