I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
