you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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