I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
