i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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