I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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