A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
