onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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