The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
