I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
