she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
