What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My penis needs a shock collar
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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