I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
