I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
