If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
