but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
