god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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