My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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