glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
