How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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