the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
