what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
