So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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