I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
