Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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