Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
