Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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