Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
