her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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