life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Don't make out with my wife yet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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