we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
