we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
