Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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