this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
