Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
