Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
