You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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