I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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