He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
