bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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