My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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