Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
