Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
