I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
