I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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