Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
