just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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