Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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