dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
