Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
