I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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