I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Quick, to the slutcave!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
