You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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