There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
