quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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