The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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